Compassion is Optional, Etc.

Forgiveness Is Optional

Some think that you should forgive.  I don’t think so: forgiveness is a matter of existential choice, not a matter of obligation.  Compassion is a value, not a law, thus, it is to be chosen, not to be forced.  If you want to forgive, then forgive, if you don't, then don't.  “Have-to” style forgiveness is meaningless.  You don't have to forgive, but if you do, you can. I certainly recommend it.

Forgiveness Isn’t Just Letting Go or Moving On

Some extol the virtues of forgiveness saying that it is good for you because it allows you to move on (emotionally).  True but this kind of “moving on” isn’t really forgiveness – it’s an attempt to put something out of your mind without any resolution. If you recall from an earlier definition of forgiveness, it involves understanding and identification.  Moving on without understanding and identification is not forgiveness but rumination control.   Useful, but not compassion per se.

Forgive-and-Forget: Forget About the Forgetting Part

Forgiving has nothing to do with forgetting.  While we can forgive on demand, we cannot forget on demand.  By equating forgiveness with forgetting we run the risk of confusing ourselves.  Indeed, if you insist on the notion that forgetting is a mandatory part of forgiving, then whenever you'd remember the incident for some reason, you would be prone to conclude that you must have failed to forgive.  Fact is you cannot control the pace with which your brain metabolizes/digests the information.  So, forget about needing to forget.  Just remember to forgive!

Approval-Seeking as an Obstacle to Forgiveness

Some equate forgiveness with weakness.  They are concerned that if you forgive, others will think less of you.  I think this reason is bunk: it’s the excessive concern for what others think (i.e. approval seeking) that is more akin to a weakness, not the courage to forgive.  

But nothing’s absolute and this point has a flip-side.  I can certainly see how, say, in a prison yard, among inmates, public display of forgiveness can be seen as a weakness and be a reputational liability.  As unfortunate as it is, it is what it is: when in Rome, do as Romans do (to survive).  In this kind of context, unwillingness to forgive is adaptive, and, thus, forgivable.