Feeding the Hungry Ghost of Perfectionism
Sunday, February 14, 2010 So, if perfectionism is metaphorically hunger (for approval/validation, reflection/attention, control/certainty), then how can we satisfy it? With the bread of acceptance!
Borrowing the language (of the so-called four noble truths) from Buddhist psychology, I offer the following treatment (“feeding”) plan:
- The experience of reality as imperfect (i.e. dissatisfaction with reality the way it is) exists and is inevitable;
- The source of this suffering/dissatisfaction is a desire or an expectation for reality to be different from how it is, to be better than it is; i.e. the source of perfectionistic suffering is the striving to perfect what is;
- Perfectionism can be helped through the acceptance of the reality for what it is, in its perfectly imperfect suchness.
How’s this acceptance achieved?
The short answer is: by a) redefining the meaning of perfection and b) through mindful living (as a consciously-chosen philosophy of living) that allows you to recognize the ordinary perfection of what is. The long answer is a curriculum of experiential precedents that I detail in my upcoming book, Present Perfect. As for redefining perfection, it is a matter of two paths – one dualistic and the other non-dualistic. The first, dualistic, strategy allows you to shift from a state-view of perfection to a dynamic/process-view of perfection – a relatively straightforward process that is easy to read about but requires a certain experiential homework to sink in. The second, non-dualistic, strategy for reframing perfection is more nuanced: it completely collapses the distinction between perfection and imperfection.
The table of contents (below) gives you a glimpse of how this is achieved.
Part I: Introduction to Perfectionism In General and to Your Perfectionism In Particular
Chapter 1: 360° of Perfectionism
Part II: Perfectly Imperfect, Completely Incomplete, and Just So!
Chapter 2: Broadening the Meaning of Perfection
Chapter 3: Perfectly Imperfect: from Dualities and Dichotomies to Suchness
Chapter 4: Completely Incomplete: a Process View of Perfection
Part III: Overcoming Mindlessness, Guilt, Shame, and Motivational Apathy
Chapter 5: Freeing Yourself from the Tyranny of Shoulds: Rehabilitation of Conscious Choice
Chapter 6: Finding Perfection in a Mistake
Chapter 7: From Guilt to Regret: Rediscovering Motivational Innocence
Chapter 8: Un-masking a Should to Find a Want: from Resentment and Reluctance to Renewed Enthusiasm
Part IV: Rehabilitation of Self-View: Self-Esteem, Self-Acceptance, Am-Ness
Chapter 9: From Self-Esteem to Self-Acceptance: the Path of Disapproval Inoculation
Chapter 10: Breaking Away from the Mirror: Dis-Identification & Re-Identification Path
Part V: Time, Performance, Uncertainty
Chapter 11: From Here to Here: Developing a Healthy Relationship With Time
Chapter 12: From Outcome-Preoccupation to Process-Focus: In Search of Perfect Performance
Chapter 13: Embracing the Uncertainty of Future
Chapter 14: Beyond Certainty: Cultivating the “Don’t Know” Mind
Part VI: Coexistence, Compassion, Connection
Chapter 15: From Social Vacuum to Compassionate Coexistence